Being unsure. Re-reading that email, finding that the tone is not friendly enough, or maybe too friendly. Rewriting it. Now the email sounds too pleasing. Rewriting it again. Now it sounds like I don’t care!

In the end I write an email that feels sort of ok… I guess. There are still a million points that feel not right and I wonder how the hell other people do it. How their emails and messages always sound ‘just right’, how their posts are easy and a pleasure to read. While my emails, messages and posts are either over the top enthousiastic, or too pleasing, or too arrogant. All because I am unsure of myself and insecure.

All this results in being unable to get started. Staring at a blank page knowing I have to start writing if I ever want to find clients for my photography and get more work. But already knowing, before I even get started, that what I am going to write will be wrong, or at least, wrong in my perception, it feels like it is doomed from the start.

And once I hit Send for an email, the doubts do not go away, but come back full speed. What will people think when they read it? Will they think it is ridicoulous that I contacted them? Will they be mad that I dared to disturb the peace and quiet of their inbox? Then, the next day, I think; ‘O God, they have not replied yet. My tone was wrong all along…’ I go to my Sent folder, re-read the email and once again I find several things so wrong with it that I completely understand that they did not reply. And so, it becomes even harder for me to write the next email, or message, or post. I confirm for myself that my writing is bad…

But then the weirdest thing happens. Out of the blue, almost a month after I reached out to them. I got a reply from a horse organisation. I contacted them about capturing a competition for them. They never replied but now, a month later, they suddenly reach out, apologising for their late response, and if I want to document their next competition, and this one is much, much bigger than the one I originally contacted them for!

Looking back in the email, I see that they forwarded my email too several members within the organisation. Wow, they really took me serious, they discussed it with several members, and now they want me! For a moment, I am relieved, happy. They took me serious. They really considered it. My email was good.

Then I start answering. They asked my prices for both photography and videography. And there the doubts start once again…

What if the price I name will be too high for them? What if they say ‘No thank you’? But I also do not want to price myself too low… And how the hell can I tell them my prices? It will sound too business-like. Or too enthousiastic. Or too apologising…

The whole self-doubt circle starts all over again…

My journey to building a full-time business out of my photo- and videography can be amazing, and very often it is, but just as often it feels like I am dragging myself forwards by force. Not because it is so hard. Sure, very little people reply. Sure, many don’t want a photoshoot or find it too expensive. But that’s normal. Getting clients as a photographer is not always easy, especially in the beginning.

But what I am doing makes it so much worse than it has to be. I am making life hard for myself with absolutely no reason at all. Everyone sometimes writes a bad email or post, but as long as they feel secure and sure of themselves, that doesn’t matter. The worst that can happen, is that they don’t get a client.

It is time for me to let go of the chains I laid om myself. To no longer be bound by doubt. To be free from my inner demons. To fully enjoy my photography journey.

So from now on, I will just start writing. I’ll try to leave my head out of it.

I am full of ideas, I have a lot to share and show, Time to stop holding myself back. Time to give back to the world that has given me so much without worrying about doing it the wrong way. As long as I start doing it and keep trying every day, there is maybe not even a wrong way…

So will you follow me on my journey?

Christel